Friday, October 21, 2011

We'll keep trying...

Just three days after I found out I was pregnant I started spotting, very lightly, but still spotting. I called the doctor and he said not to worry, it was totally normal and he would only be concerned if it got worse. My hCG count was doing well until my next appointment. It was still going up, but very slowly and not as high as everyone had hoped. Then last Saturday night I started bleeding slightly heavier and darker than the past week and soon after I started cramping like I'd started my period. I decided to just relax for the night and call my doctor the next morning if things worsened. At about 3:30 in the morning I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't lay still and started to get a little scared. I waited a little bit and when the pain didn't lessen I woke up my husband and told him something was wrong and it was time to go to the ER. After about three hours we found out my hCG count had actually gone down and that there was nothing we could do to stop it from going down even more. I was advised to go home, relax as much as possible and to see my fertility specialist as soon as possible and was released with paperwork that gave advice and care for patients diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage." I knew a miscarriage was a huge possibility, but I never thought it would actually happen. Sure I was uncomfortable and in pain, but I wasn't experiencing the nightmarish pain and bleeding I'd always heard about. More than anything I felt confused and hopeful that things would be okay, but realistically knew that they wouldn't be.
The pain slowly lessened and fully went away the next afternoon. We called Dr. Lee and I knew instantly that it was over, the babies were gone. He kept apologizing and said something about getting rest, testing for something about Lupus and a bunch of other things I didn't understand, but most of all I remember him saying we should allow ourselves to grieve. He asked me to come by the following Wednesday for one more hCG test and when we were ready, we could all sit down and talk and figure things out.
On Wednesday I found out that there weren't any positive changes with my hCG levels and was advised to stop all of my hormone shots. For now I'll follow up with a Gyno next week and then we'll follow up with Dr. Lee. I'm bleeding a little heavier and the cramping still comes and goes, but not as bad as before.
It all still feels like a blur. I'm sad one minute, angry the next and then when I calm down I realize it just wasn't meant to be. It's no ones fault and there's nothing we could have done to stop it from happening. We still haven't given up hope, so when we're ready we'll try again and hope for the best.

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